Small change, a lot of text to explain it - Empathy Online

Some comments just stick with you. Honestly, usually, it’s the bad ones. The ones that hit right into whatever insecurity you’ve been nursing recently. But these kinds (image below) that I’ve gotten a few times have stuck around to keep me thinking. Something that preoccupied my mind at a time when I felt like I was freefalling about my purpose in this space.

By you regularly addressing and sharing your own priveledge or biases on twitter I was made aware of those things within me as well, in a way that made me feel called out but also understood. And also in a mental health content the way you learn from the “what about” we talked about yesterday reminded me to not be stuck in my ways

everytime I see a piece of [mxiety’s] content I learn something about how to be kind to others (and very often myself at the same time)

To me, ideas come from 2 things: Things I’m worried about + Things I feel passionate about changing.

The thing I’m worried about

In a world where not taking a side implies unquestionable carelessness or worse, compliance with the worst thing—it’s become a statement to try to see things from the other side. If you have platform, you don’t want to be neutral on big issues where your voice could matter. But you can’t be vocal about every issue, and you doubly can’t be vocal in an informed way about everything. If you’re a recovering perfecionist/people pleaser not wanting to hurt to someone’s feelings by doing the wrong thing becomes paralyzing. And distracting from the issue at hand.

What I’m Feeling Passionate About

The loop was:

I don’t want to say the wrong thing ->But I should say something? ->Is saying nothing, indulging too much in my privilege when I could be lending my efforts to help a cause?-> But if I don’t know enough about it, will I say the wrong thing, and not know until I’ve caused damage? How much will that damage effect someone else?

I realized the only way out of the loop is by thinking about everything from both sides. Even when I vehemently disagree with the other side and know there’s nothing I will find common ground on, I feel like I can learn something. And yes, “some people are just hateful” is still a lesson worth re-learning.

The loop became:

Ok, what do both extremes think about something? -> If I land on one side, why? What would make someone think the opposite?->What can I learn by considering that?

Honestly, if you want to sum it up, it’s probably that I’ve just become obsessed with ethics and empathy in an increasingly divided world. And if you know ethics, you know that we know a whole lot of nothing.

The fact that others note I’ve helped them reflect on the other side of themselves as well as others, has made me hope that maybe this is a thought process that can help someone else.

Exceptions

I definitely don’t think there’s a common ground to everything. A relevant example would be that LGBTQ+ rights are not debatable, in my opinion. They are just human rights.

Sure, someone needs to help bridge the gap between those who think the worst about what it means for someone to identify as LGBTQ+ and help bring those folks to be more caring, but I am not level-headed enough about the issue to be the one. I try to do my best to be kind and respectful, but I go into my feelings pretty quickly and get to the worst version of myself fast when I feel someone doesn’t even see those I love as human. I can’t handle that. See also, folks who don’t believe in scientific fact. I just can’t have serious conversations there.

BUT

Even if I’m not the right person to explain everything in a way that helps folks see things from the other view, I do want to try. I know I am going to F up royally, but I am also in my embracing learning era and accepting myself as flawed era (even as flawed as I am at both those things).

This is going to require me to be as vulnerable as heck in a way I haven’t since I became more closed off in 2021. I want to talk about the hard reflections I had to have about myself in case it’s time you had those hard reflections too. Maybe to remind you that it’s human if you’re in the middle of them.

Why Now?

I haven’t been passionate about much. And without that, I honestly was ready to just tap out of streaming and content creation. But I also really didn’t want to.

I noted in my last post that 6 years in a lot has changed about mental health advocacy. And the goal that I started with ‘Getting people talking about mental health’ is quite underway. It was really interesting to be at the start of that initial swell for streamers. The hardest part of it was explaining why what I was doing mattered, and especially when I was in a headspace where I felt like nothing I did mattered in any part of myself or my life. Thankfully, we’ve grown.

I am going to make sure I keep propping up others who are working on reducing stigma (and honestly, no dig, doing a better job than I could!). I would way rather prop up folks I want to learn from, than try to restart my own kiln with what now feels like someone else’s clay.

I wanted to allow myself once more to feel vulnerable and honest, but had no idea where to start again with it. What do I say? What do I keep to myself? How will people react when you admit you don’t know what you’re doing? Will they understand and relate? Or write you off? What about when you admit to doing something you wish you didn’t? Point is, you can only be vulnerable when you’re passionate. And I’m passionate about this.

Okay… Let’s get into it.

This isn’t a rebrand. It’s a honing of focus. And if I do it right, anyone who hasn’t read this will barely notice. I’m embracing a new facet of what I care about right now, more so than changing what I do overall.

So, without further ado here’s the announcement:

I am going to focus my mental health advocacy on Understanding empathy online.

I want my content to help answer the question, What can I learn about myself when I reason through someone else’s actions?

What does this mean? Most likely I won’t have a clean definition until I am neck deep in a slightly incorrect direction but on route. I’ve learned that I work best when I start, get into it based on what I think is needed and then pivot when I see a clearer line.

What do I think this means right now? It means my interviews will look through this lens of sharing stories to create more understanding: mine through my writing and live show, as well as those I interview, host roundtables and other events with.

Ok but for real, what now?

I need to get more strategic with my time and efforts and have no idea where to start. You’ll keep seeing my writing, posting, videos, and streams in the meantime, but I am working on going less with the flow and being more intentional (nothing wrong with either approach, I just switch them up from time to time).

I don’t want to say “You’ll get 4 posts a week” and then maybe get 4 a year over to you. I know I’m streaming once a week. I know I’m on my way to getting the Ted Lasso book done.

I will need your help, as always, staying straight to my truth and to the right thing. I will need accountability. But not from the faceless masses, but from a close-knit community (both friends and Mxiety) that wants to see the same thing.

Be the light… that guides to the next right thing.

3 Reasons Why People With Depression Are Incredible

Like any person you might know, I’ve been hurt by other people. Particularly memorable experiences get thrown into my baggage, to be carried until some unforeseen moment. Now, having collected enough kick knacks in past relationships, unsure what to do with them, I have started a lot of my recent new encounters by boldly opening up the bag and showing off a particular piece to gauge reactions. At times I just can’t help it—I forget to distill my past experiences and express only the more palatable ones. It’s not the best gauge of character for the person I meet, and can be rather unfair from my end to do so. Despite all of that, if I don’t see clues of “fight or flight” kicking in, sometimes I can make a new friend because a very special type of connection is forged.

The contents of my baggage are often tied to my mental illness in one way or another. Likely, because our empathy is best engaged whenever we recognize an emotion we ourselves have gone through, I have found that those who carry similar pieces, or symptoms, are always the kinder, and more forgiving. They’ve been more patient when I have to explain my irrational behavior and less judgmental about the life choices I have to make to avoid triggers or something similar. Overall, they’re just incredible people who make me feel like I belong.

They’re Giving People to A Fault

As with any long-term condition, although I would hope it doesn’t define us, mental illness affects most aspects of life. It’s no small point to note that people who have lived experience with depression, for example, are more likely treat my knick-knacks gently, almost as if they were their own. So many fellow depression sufferers are the kind of people who, although depressed themselves, carry an antiseptic and bandages in case their friend, whom they’ve seen self-harm before, relapses. They are the kind of person who will reach out and listen to you discuss your tough day although they might not be having the best one either.

It’s no coincidence either that I am often offered love and care with no expectation of a return. I know it’s in part because helping others has been proven to help ourselves, but it’s also because we know how it feels to live with something outwardly inexplicable and invisible.

Photo by Ben Weber on Unsplash

They’re Often Empaths

I wouldn’t wish being an empath upon anyone, but this makes this trait in others all the more valuable to me. Having empathy means when I come to that person with a complaint or a worry, they will respond as though it is theirs, the way they would hope someone would treat them when they’ve felt similar emotions. There are certainly those whose depression made them feel empty—those who have had to re-learn emotions. And I have seen even those people offer more moral support to someone suffering than someone who has enjoyed a fairly uneventful life overall.

Emotional Hyper-Awareness

I will say 9/10 of those who have also lived through a mental illness have more to offer emotionally. Someone who has confronted their depression instead of repressing it will be unlikely to ask you to repress your emotions. Indeed, they might prefer to dissect them instead. They will study them just like you do.

Questions like “why do you think this is happening,” “is this triggering a memory you don’t like”, “do you need to talk about it,” and my favorite, “isn’t it interesting how people…” will come out of their mouths. One of my closest current friends described exactly this quality as a reason she wanted to spend so much time with me. It was as though she always watched the world from the sidelines and just now learned that there are others watching from the same angle, while the rest of the world seems to be able to fully experience a wide range of emotional understanding without such observation.

I am not implying there is a league of nice people that are made such solely because they have a mental illness. I don’t want to encourage a victim-type mentality in order to gain friends. However, I have made new friends through having this common issue, and have strengthened my relationships with old ones by opening up on this topic.

Look into your bag. If you yourself carry similar items, take a moment. Consider their usefulness and beauty before you permit your mind to discount their value to others.

Depression might be a type of baggage, but it’s one that makes for some incredible bonds with exceptional people.

Photo by Mike Scheid on Unsplash

References:
Nelson Sk, Layous K, Cole SW, Lyubomirsky S. Do unto others or treat yourself? The effects of prosocial and self-focused behavior on psychological flourishing. Emotion, Vol 16(6), Sep 2016, 850-861

Tania Singer T, Lamm C. The Social Neuroscience of Empathy. NYAS, 25 March 2009. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1749-6632.2009.04418.x

Cover Photo: Photo by Mike Scheid on Unsplash